Wow – deja vu.
Always had a feeling that T2D would never stay defunct for long. Much as I have a love affair with Twitter and much as my disorder seems fairly unchangeable, ultimately there’s a need there for me to unleash about my illness or in general that 140 characters just aren’t going to serve.
So where are we now in April 2011?
Well the OCD is as alive as ever folks. Though I’m becoming more and more loathe just to pigeonhole it as OCD. Ironic really as most sufferers CRAVE a diagnosis initially so we know what the hell is wrong with us and it then ends up becoming too confined a space for us and more of an inaccurate summarisation for non-sufferers to relate to then something that really nails what we suffer from.
Generally day-to-day is still difficult. No return to work and have pretty much resigned myself to accepting that is never going to be an option as mentally am just too unpredictable. I have found some form of stability through routine (ever the hiding place of the sufferer) though a lot of it means being pretty unsocial and quite a hermit most of the time. I think I sacrifice my social life a lot simply to have a peaceful mental life the rest of the time. Then again, 14 years in I’m a pretty good judge of what I can/can’t cope with and when I can/can’t cope with it so that itself says something about my general condition. often it’s more through mental tiredness and weariness.
Spellwise have just come off the back of a pretty major one that wiped me out for a solid 5-6 days. Was an innocuous image that triggered me, linked into some past bad memories/experiences from when I was really bad with my OCD and started to set off some ‘tsting’ behaviour. In reality it was harmless but it hit the old buttons from the past through association alone. Most of the 5-6 days was spent led on the bed, closing off input, maybe with a podcast on, doped up and sleeping (meds didn’t work so hit the valium) until I came back down again.
First intense spell I’d had for a while but it had been coming. Have been on Citalopram 20mgs per day since shifting from Prozac last May and it seems to have settled into a certain pattern of behaviour. I won’t hit a peak spell often but will get a constant series of mental ‘jabs’. Have had that from meds before and is particularly mentally exhausting. Did try going up in dosage but, again, was a disaster so it seems quite simply that my tolerance to the meds used on OCD is pretty low (far lower then the dosage needed for a real beneficial effect). As a result, had been waiting maybe 2 months to hit the ‘peak’ which then tends to be like hitting a reset button.
That means that, atm, I don’t feel too bad. have realised the disorder is definitely cyclical and this is the ‘calm’ point/trough of it. That’s a good way of explaining it tbh. The chemical imbalance that causes the disorder is constantly in flux, a never-ending cycle of increasing imbalance until you hit a crisis point which then corrects it and starts the cycle again. At the start of a cycle you can do a lot more mentally/physically and that ability degrades as the cycle approaches its peak. With effort you can still push yourself to do stuff later in a cycle but it will significantly increase its acceleration, length of peak and time of recovery back to the start.
Sounds a bit ‘mathy’ but pretty much follows that pattern. As for the time length? Still massively varies. Still using Diazepam in a ltd dosage when things get intense (can be up to 6mg a day in bad spells) but am VERY controlled with it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. The thing is, I could take more on a regular/daily basis and it may help but you have to remember this disorder is lifelong. Start taking diazepam like that and their effect will wear off quickly, the dosage will increase, the effectiveness die off and you’ll end up hooked on something that no longer does the job. That isn’t worth it and the only balance I can see is really putting up with the disorder until it’s incredibly bad then using diazepam to take the edge off. May not be pleasant but don’t want to be a slave to them.
The focii points for the disorder are still varied. Sexual stuff is still a biggie which, considering that H-OCD and P-OCD were my two primary areas for the first 5-6 years of the disorder, is no surprise. Can cope far better then I could but still physically tense up at innocuous things a lot and have real pesonal space issues at times. Is random though – something can not bother me for ages and then suddenly one day can pounce and set me off. My personal confidence has improved though. Better the devil you know I guess and I think knowing that the intrusive sexual thoughts are an OCD thing have helped them REALLY wind me up less and happen less. They still can/do though and can be upsetting – the legacy of really bad pure-o can be as much the memories it leaves you with from when you were bad as whatever is going on now.
Suffer from an immense amount of physical, often sexual tension too. Part of this is no doubt because I just need to get laid (!) but also am pretty sure it’s an element of the fucked-up brain stimuli and messages flying around the body.
Outside those areas there are still the normal mix of others. Loud places and crowds are difficult – just too much mental stimuli and sends me into overload tbh. depending how mentally strained I am, that can extend just to any socialising or public activity in general. Still have the same old issues of insecurity and paranoia at times. Still obsessively lock onto things that are stressful, cope incredibly badly with any form of appointment of responsibility/comittment on my schedule and stress about it.
The worst one is still the false/past memories one. Pretty much a sign of how obsessive thinking just switches to whatever it can use at the time, have had myself ‘lock’ onto memories and events from up to 20 years ago and be fixated mentally on them for days. it’s torture. half the time you come to your senses and not only is your recollection hugely faulty but often fictional when in a spell. That’s scary and pretty uncontrollable.
And of course sometimes you just feel mentally fucked without any particular focus and it sits there causing an immense mental strain and headache.
Lol, a cheery assessment! Have done one thing though. Started doing a weekly podcast unconnected with my disorder and focusing on another love of mine, dance/club music. That’s 21 episodes in and going really well atm. Gives me something to feel constructive and positive about and, even though it HAS contributed stresswise to a few incidents, I’ve kept it as relaxed and stress-free demandwise as i can to allow me to do it. It’s fun and, while not ideal stresswise, gives me at least something to focus on. I try not to think too far on things as there’s not much futurewise to think ON if you start doing that – day-by-day is best.
Anyway, sure there’s more I could and will say but that’ll do for where things are right now. Laters.
T2D
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