1-2-3 Spike

Ok, so that was a shaky moment.

Part of the deal of being a primary OCD sufferer is that old triggers never really leave you. Am assuming the depth of them corrolates to the time you suffer before starting to get some help getting them under control and understanding them. Once a pattern of thinking/belief locks in as intensely and as long as mine did about particular areas I don’t think it ever leaves without some significant scars. And, for OCD, those scars are just resources for it to use.

My scars all lie in the H-OCD and P-OCD fields. Anyone whose read this for a few years knows that I didn’t realise I had pure-O for 7 years or so and tortured myself with thinking I might have been homosexual or some kinda sexual deviant for a long time. Both baseless but that’s OCD for you. Anyway, was only when I got help and got those obsessional worries under more control that I realised ocd doesn’t work like that. It affects everything and it was just those 2 were more noticeable to me because they were the most disturbing.

Control doesn’t mean cured though.

You can still twinge and trigger at things you read, see, hear etc. Sometimes innocuous, sometimes overt. And in an odd way the very fact that you aren’t tormented by it on a regular basis anymore can make it harder to deal with in some ways as you’re not expecting it. The mental guards are a little more down, the techniques you use daily are rusty.

Tonight’s little surprise came whilst watching ‘Juno’. Quite simply, i find Ellen Page very cute. Was cute in ‘Inception’ and cute here. Problem was, she’s playing a 16 year old. Now that may be legal (in UK folks) but nevertheless still leaves me feeling uncomfortable after a number of years being hyper-sensitive about such things. Most guys it seems are fine with seeing a girl of 16-18 and finding them cute regardless of their own age but it’s something my OCD tends to flare up with. Yes, she’s actually 20 and isn’t really 16 but for a disorder like this that doesn’t help (maybe it’s her pretend age that attracts you, maybe she looks young and that’s the thing etcetc). Plus how much of your interpretation is actually fuelled by the very anxiety spike you’re suffering from at that instant as, tbh, all bets are off when one happens and trying to figure out anything will never produce a stable conclusion.

Hugely frustrating as now it appears that I’m starting to even get uptight about things I’ve no need to be uptight about. Christ, even if she HAD been 16 I’m aware that finding a 16 year old girl cute isn’t exactly an abnormal thing at any damn age.

Bah, I don’t know. I’m a little keyed up but I don’t THINK this feels like a spike that triggers a spell – most likely just a one-off. But it is tiring.

Thought I’d share a little insight. Hope it helps.

M

Move along, nothing to see here

To quote War Of the Worlds: "Abruptly, the sound ceased".

Yes, as is the want of this unpredictable disorder, it’s been a relatively ocd-free week or so.

Had a disasterous meeting with the diabetic nurse last Friday where I found my weight loss for the past 6 months was somehow exactly zero (everything else is fine – cholestoral , blood/sugar, liver/kidney function, BP) and having 2-3 days obsessing about food this week has been calm. Changed diet again & hoping to start walks again on Monday but, aside from that, nothing to report OCD-wise.

Making the most of it as this is a pretty rare thing. The knowledge that it WILL return can sometimes be enough to prompt its return sooner then it normally would – the joy of having an incurable disorder I guess. Sometimes makes it hard to accept the good spells for what they are but you have to try and live in the moment when you’re in one.

Family stuff has been tough this week though. Mums birthday went pretty well (loved her presents, especially the microwaveable Bagpuss warmer) but concern about my sister’s health and state of mind made things tough on her and me too I guess. Have found myself cast in the odd role of handing out parentlike advice and patronising teacheresque verbal discipline to my sis lately which is really strange when she’s 6 yrs older then me. Furthermore, I seem to be good at it! respect my authority!! *grins*.

Had the joy of my google acc being hacked for the first time too, promptly screwing up my Android phone and leading to me creating a plethora of diff accounts and passwords yesterday. Am now in far more danger of forgetting them myself then anyone else cracking them. Saw that my defunct WOW account had some activity attempted on it so am guessing the acc was brute forced by hackers. Now has its own dedicated acc so that added to the authenticator should solve it and, if not, at least stop the impact on anything else. fair to say that it’s exactly what a lot feared when Battle.net took over. As for WOW itself, have read about the upcoming expansion and am pretty nonplussed as a rogue. Not seeing anything to tempt me back from my 3-4 month break.

2 things that I am playing with. First, have got streaming working again for music and been playing some music for fellow ppl on Twitter which I’ve found as satisfying as always. Would love to get involved with an Internet radio station (have the music and no fears on the mic) so may look into that again. The other thing is that I’m toying with the idea of doing some kind of regular podcast. Part-inspired by Kev Smith’s SModcast stuff, I need a topic and the ppl. reviewing the week’s new music seems a decent topic but ppl is difficult. Only 2 I can think of that’d work and one is reluctant. Will work on it.

Ok – a comment on the love of my life. I tend to avoid talking about Liverpool FC on here knowing that football is such a divisive subject for many and unloved by others…but I feel I must make an exception atm. Am genuinely worried and fearful of what is happening there atm. beaten by Man Utd and Man City, humiliated in the League Cup by Northampton, confused tactically on the pitch and being financially raped by our owners. Dark days for a club that brings me so much joy and has a huge influence on my day-to-day feelings. In 2 weeks time we’re looking at the very real chance of the club being destroyed if Tom Hicks refinances for another 2 years or possible administration. I have faith in RH on the field – he needs more time, simple as. Bt it’s horrific to see what’s happening to us off of it and even more knowing how much worse it could get. I strongly believe that if RBS do step in and take over in October then buyers will be falling over themselves to get it for £160 mill (and that’s what they’ve been waiting for) but if they don’t? 2 more years of Hicks/Gillett, no investment, crippling interest repayments, owners alienating bidders by asking for an astronomical price, losing top players, fading into mid-table or worse…I’ll never stop supporting them (too late for that, have been nailed onto the Liver bird since I was 12) but what might happen to my club genuinely scares me. This next month, on and off the pitch, is HUGE for us.

Anyway, that’s all from here atm.

M

One of those days – but blog autumn cleaned at least!

So in my 7 hours awake (following a dream about an ex-gf that left me waking up totally switched on…following dreaming about a parent having a heart-attack the night before, sleep has turned into a space filled by an OCD version of Freddie Kruegar lately) have managed to completely take a nice FB message out of context and explode angrily at a friend, half-break my computer by fiddling with router settings and realise I have a weird piece of bone underneath my right ear.

Oh, and have considered using the word ‘c*nt’ numerous times.

On the plus side I’ve updated this place a little. Tidied some old entries, added some new list links and even brought the ‘Confessions’ page up-to-date! So should anyone new have a look around, enjoy .

M

My Mind Is Glowing

A Prodigy reference as a post title – my day has peaked.

Very frustrating day atm. Hard to explain but it’s like having your brain split in two. One half is mentally shouting ‘feed me’ and begging for input in a hyperactively bored way. The other is burnt out and just can’t take anything in. Books, tv, film, computer, music, ppl, exercise – just a complete inability to engage with it or for it to hold my concentration.

Much as I’m loathe to attribute everything to my disorder, it does bear traits with it. Pure O makes you focus on a thought and compulsively try and solve it by thinking it through. Yet that won’t work as the driving force behind the behavior isn’t the thought it’s the disorder and the chemical imbalance driving it.

Same here i guess. My mental hyperactivity atm is likely a function of my disorder. Trying to engage with something won’t work as the problem isn’t caused by boredom (indeed, like the overthinking solution, trying to engage is liable to tire you on top of it and make it worse) but by the imbalance.

Guess it’s an afternoon of lying dowo, listening to SModcast and Tell Em Steve Dave pods and battling the frustration (add some part self-induced, part first idiotic psychiatrist-induced guilt about how i should be doing something too).

Bah. M.

We’re down with OCD (Yeah You Know Me!)

Sometimes – just sometimes – it works in your favour…

Didn’t make last night’s meal for my niece’s birthday. Held out until the afternoon after a week of strain and a bad night where I woke up immediately on edge and then just felt the mental scales tip slightly from ‘is a strain but will be ok’ to ‘I’m nearly ok but it’d be too much’, Was gutted tbh. Still had to drive Mum there and pick her up later and is fair to say I really shouldn’t have been driving on the way up but she was too ill to so took the risk.

However it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. The few hours after that I did feel relaxed and picked up a little. Then, upon Mum recounting the whole experience, it turned out I had a lucky escape not only from the venue itself (would have completely sent my OCD batshit) but the night. Apparently disasterous. Still, Charlotte seemed happy enough with the prezzies I bought her so it all worked out.

So proof that having a lifelong, incurable mental illness isn’t all THAT bad sometimes.

M

Panic on the streets of Frenchay…

Panic attacks. 

New one for me tbh. My anxiety normally comes out primarily mentally with my disorder but I guess the constant physical tension and physio-sexual tension is a symptom of it too (think i invented a term there) but rarely does it come out in the form of a physical panic attack.

Did again this morning though for the second time in about 6 weeks. Just going to answer the door to the guy with the shopping and kicked in – sudden shortness of breath and hyper-ventilating (my ears popped at same time this morning, unconnected I’m sure but the delivery guy must have thought I’d just swam up from 3 fathoms or so). Took me 15 mins ’til it subsided and then decided not to f*ck about and spend some quality time with Mr Diazepam.

Mum’s a little worried but tbh am certain it’s simply another symptom of my disorder. If i can’t control my anxiety level and, like I have this week, have been managing to keep on top of them slowly building mentally then it’s just another ‘grounding’ method for it I guess. Deny it one outlet and it jumps elsewhere, be it a new thought angle or a more direct physical one.

A little concerned I guess but I just have to hold out another 24 hours for my niece’s birthday meal and then if I fly apart Sunday it isn’t so bad.

Movie Review – ‘The Expendables’ (2010, 15, 103 mins), Stars Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham Dir: Sylvester Stallone

The Long and the Short – Boom! Boom Boom Boom! BOOM! Clunky dialogue. BOOM BOOM! Boom! Millisecond pause for attempt at emotional depth. FUCKING KABOOOOOM! End credits.

The above really does cover it for ‘The Expendables’. If you’ve seen the trailers, read the cast list (Stallone, Statham, Lundgren, Li, Austin) and still turned up at the cinema expecting anything resembling a deep, meaningful dramatic experience then the world is way too complicated a place for you. Attendees to this 80s throwback want nothing more than big guns, fast cars and for anything that might possibly explode to explode. My friends, you won’t be disappointed.

Stallone has always been an extremely clever man in his acting and directing choices (ok, apart from ‘Cobra’) and, in an act of delicious irony, ‘The Expendables’ may just be his most intelligent move yet. Assembling a mixture of cult action icons from the past 25 years and throwing them into a film designed to single-handedly resurrect the spirit of the classic action films from the ’80s sounded like a winning formula from the start (especially given the resurrection of The A-Team this summer and the failure of more recent action blockbusters like ‘Predators’ & ‘Terminator:Salvation’ to deliver) and so it has proved. Seeing Sly and the others all on-screen together (especially the brief but hilarious scene at the start with the 80s other two A-list action icons) does supply a huge buzz of enjoyment and that goodwill continues throughout as the audience get exactly what they want from the first minute to the last. Highlights are too numerous to mention (and would frankly spoil the fun) but you’ll learn to never fire a warning shot with an explosive shotgun and never feel safe in a 50-foot high concrete tower with machine guns mounted inside if one man with a gun runs towards you.

Of course it isn’t flawless. The passing nods to the paper-thin plot about a South American dictator, corrupt CIA agents and conflict between our heroic band of  mercenaries tend to do the film more harm than good as, apart from a disappointingly brief few minutes of Mickey Rourke (who still nearly manages to steal the entire film), any dialogue that comes within a 1000 miles of respectable narrative drama almost brings the film to a shuddering halt. Giving Jason Statham the most superfluous romantic subplot since Peter Crouch caught a Spanish taxi is bad enough (though it does result in a wonderful basketball court pay-off and, as that seems to be the only reason for the romance at all, thank god it works!). However, Statham is a bard of aching elegance when compared to Dolph Lundgren here, whose inability with ANY form of dialogue beyond caveman proves near-fatal every single time he speaks. Fortunately, before your brain has a chance to reel back in horror and possibly prolapse at what the man does to the English language, Stallone blows something else up. It works.

So there you have it. With a sequel in the planning stages (Stallone already has the plot worked out) you can only drool about who may get involved next time round. Imagine Chuck Norris, Steven Segal, Robert Patrick, The Rock, Mr T…perhaps even Van Damne may reconsider given the first film’s box-office success. One thing’s for sure – they all missed out on a lot of fun this time around.