Over-estimated myself again and have kicked off an almighty spell.
Got over-confident yesterday and so went to the colon exam w/o any support. Was blase about it, thought I’d be fine. Let’s face it, hadn’t freaked out the past two time when I’d gone for a testes ultrasound and so had to have a surgeon gel up my groin.
Yeah I know, too much info but it is important to set the context AND to demonstrate how pure-O and, in this case, the homosexual ocd component reacts utterly randomly – is why even if exposure therapy was a valid option for it then it just wouldn’t work.
Anyway, thought as a result I’d be ok.
Aaaaaand haven’t been.
Ironically it wasn’t the (for lack of a better phrase) finger up the ass that set me off – though that is a pretty grim and invasive process. It was the examination before when the guy had to press on my groin a few times to examine it. Immediately went extremely physically anxious and tense and went into a panic ‘did i react to that?’ mode. Didn’t expect to due to being fine with previous examinations and so it stuck in there somewhere.
Came out and was fine for a bit but felt a bit TOO fine – almost like I was cracking jokes through over-compensating. A little like when you see a person after a panicky incident making jokes a little hysterically. was aware I was doing it too but tried to ignore it.
Ultimnately though it didn’t work. Started the usual OCD mental replays, imagery and involuntary mental testing and shot my anxiety levels absolutely into orbit. Pretty much mentally seized up for past 24 hours as a result. Not as visually/imaginatively freaking myself but more in terms of my mind having a massive dose of stress and now dealing with the aftermath.
Again. This is becoming a very familiar pattern of late. Due to see GP about an unrelated incident in morning and, if I’m able to actually drive, its clear I need to rotate meds back to Prozac again. Exactly the same pattern as when other meds have failed over past few months.
Not good as I don’t look forward at all to wdwl and then the side-effects of new tablets but no choice.
Bugger (excuse the pun).
