Well, 5 days to go and the mental state is best described as ‘fluctuating’!
On the bright side, the depressive spell hasn’t returned yet – had a damn good go at it earlier but put intelligence before stubborn-mindedness this time and visited the diazepam fairy before it had a chance to kick in. So am in a relatively cheerful mood…
…which is good as my OCD has decided to try to go into overload. Have had a fun-packed day of unpleasant sexual imagery and occasional slips into testing (the bane if all sufferers), which hasn’t been much fun at all. As a result, my sugars went right up this evening (along with, i regret to say, a bit of the old depressive eating problem) – hence I’m still online now, waiting for them to drop to a comfortable level.
The problem with the sexual imagery thing – as well as it being unpleasant – is it throws up various other reactions to a sufferer that try to prolong it.
Let me explain…
General OCD rule is that, on a basic level, sufferers thoughts are no different to anyone elses. We all get the full spectrum that non-sufferers do. And, like it or not, us human beings have some pretty weird thoughts at times and some odd, oft-unexplainable impulses and responses. here’s the problem – we all also get a selection of darker thoughts as part of our psyche. Often they’re idle thoughts that pass through with sometimes a momentary shiver – hearing a news story about a murderer, rapist etc and trying to understand how it happens/what goes through their head, seeing a violent bit of a film and having a second or two fantasising yourself in the role. All stuff that’s not too nice but is pretty much normal to touch on for a second, then move on…
With OCD – that doesn’t happen. Depending on what your obsession/fear is, you simply can’t get past it. You invest it with too much power, credit it with too much meaning, worry about it, replay it to test for further reactions, and so increase the stress and feed it back into the spiral. With me, it’s the inappropriate sexual response thing towards guys or younger people, with others it could be images of violence or abusive behaviour, contamination, anything – ultimately its a fear that’s got completely out of control due to us not having the ability leave such stuff alone, part through to our repetetive/obsessional thinking and part to the imbalance of calming chemicals/stress chemicals in the brain.
For me, it then gets a bit more upsetting as my obsessions are sexual in nature – and, people being people, however much you cringe at something nasty you imagine, if it’s sexually graphic and you’re hit by it repeatedly, a tiny part of you will physically respond to that – simply because of its sexual nature. of course, combine that with stress that makes you hyper-sensitive, and you simply keep feeding the obsession and going round in a circle all the more. Plus 2 other factors also contribute to mine – firstly that one of my obsessional fears/focii is the reaction itself (as I’ve been told, I’ve got a complete hang-up on confusing anxiety responses with sexual ones), secondly that during the early years of my OCD I relied on pornography to combat my physical tension, and so I tend to get bombarded with very conflicting mental signals when such things kick off.
Anyway, not sure where most of the above came from, but it helps me to type it up so both me and others can understand it. basically, there’s nothing abnormal or deviant about OCD sufferers – its the OCD itself that warps normal stuff into a nightmare.
Hope that’s right, Wendy? 
Anyway, as for Xmas & NY – just have to see. Managed to get out of the house to visit Rob yesterday but it walloped me for the rest of the day, so I suspect socially I’m gonna have to take it VERY easy as I’m the only transport Mum and my nana have got – so it may be that driving them around is the only chance I’ll have to get out of the house, even if I want to! Just hate it having to be such a gamble when it comes to going out – used to love meeting my old friends on Xmas Eve and NYE, but now I never know whether it’ll wipe me out for days afterwards or whether I’ll get there and just go edgy throughout (so drinking is a no-no – need a car for a quick getwaway).
Ah well…we’ll see.
